5 fun ways to fail your accounting course

Humans first invented writing for the purpose of cataloguing goods, which eventually evolved into the modern practice we now call “tweeting.” Primordial tweeters would use their skills for numerical pursuits, such as tracking cattle or taxes. In short, these proto-accountants served the highly important purpose of accounting for important belongings. Today’s accountants are all grown up, exercising intimate knowledge of financial systems and general numeromancy. It’s a noble and necessary profession, but you’ll have more fun watching that opportunity slip away. So, here are some great methods for flunking out of accounting.

1 - Answer every tutorial question with a personal one

Nothing irks a tutor more than being asked a question in response to a question. A personal one elevates things to an entirely new level. For instance, if you’re in an introductory accounting class and are asked how to calculate return on investment, it’s almost certain the answer isn’t “are you happy?” Whatever the case, several entertaining things can happen as a result of this exchange. The following are some exemplary possibilities:

• The tutor actually answers the question, resulting in a heart-warming discussion. Your class is now a support group.
• The tutor actually answers the question, resulting in a storm of wintery contempt.
• The tutor says nothing, resulting in a class-wide silence with enough hang time to make Tony Hawk blush. Stuff that in your half-pipe and smoke it.
• The tutor asks you to leave, at which point you naturally ask another question.

A marvellous course of action no matter the outcome. If you do leave, feel free to yell, “balance sheet? More like balance sheep. Wake up, sheeple!” This will create an aura of tension around you that will not only repel the tutor, but other classmates.

2 - Submit your Shrek fanfiction in place of real assignments

You’ve worked hard on your magnum opus, or “magnum dope-us” as you insist on calling it. You’ve sent a copy to J. K. Rowling for review. You’ve put one in the mausoleum of Mark Twain for good luck, yet you’ve gotten no responses. What better way to kill two birds with one stone than to submit your work as an assignment. This way, someone paid to be staring at your work is giving it the luxury of attention whilst reducing your chances of ever attending another accounting class again.

3 - Write all numbers in Roman numerals rather than Hindu-Arabic numerals

The Romans were famed for their administrative abilities, but their numbering system simply isn’t all that practical when dealing with the numbers modern accountants do. This is why it’s a wonderful method of annoying everyone in your vicinity. Legibility is the bane of successful failure, so reducing it in whatever ways you can is essential.

4 - Answer every exam question with “trick question; we’re all in a simulation and nothing matters”

Elon Musk insists the possibility of our being somewhere in the middle of a universal matryoshka sandwich is exceptional. Him asserting it’s true means this is unequivocably so, which also means you ought to preach it. Let the bells ring, birds chirp and exam papers spell in unison: “we’re all in a simulation.” Your tutors and professors will despise this, but you know what? The truth hurts. Those ahead of their time are always looked upon as heretics, blasphemers or juggalos.

5 - Poor quality jokes

As you pour over your letter of expulsion with a teary-eyed smile by candlelight, consider the ways you can have the last laugh. Get some material prepared, because you’ll be standing in front of the appeal committee and confirming their suspicions about you. Keep it topical and you’ll earn street cred. Here’s some free material:

• “What the heckquity is up with equity, am I right?”
• “Balance sheet? My scales say this is an imbalance sheet.”
• “If you think that’s historical cost, take a look at what I paid for my dog!”
• “Ironic they call it the Corporations Act when I haven’t seen the blighters move all year!”
• “We’re not in a simulation!”

Hopefully these tips will provide you with the means of achieving perfect imperfection and get that compulsion for expulsion out of your system. Good luck!